How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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