I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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