Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
