Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
