i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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