Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
