When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
