I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Actions speak louder than pants.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
