I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
