The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I had to cum in my sink.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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