Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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