Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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