The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
