I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
