I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
