i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
