She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
she told me i tasted like america
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
