so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
