sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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