Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
