Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
