i just sent this text using only my big toe
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
