I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
