This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
