Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
