You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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