I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
