either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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