I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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