No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
