someone threw a dead crab at me
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
