tequila makes me forget i have legs
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
