Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
