They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
