based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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