on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I came so hard my ears popped.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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