i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
