I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
