She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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