everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
