and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
