I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
