My liver just broke up with me...
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
