you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
