I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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