I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
