Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
