i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
