Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
