I skipped work to stalk him.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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